


Sasuke and the Idiot

by danehemmings



Series: Sasuke and the Idiot [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: M/M, Sasuke calls naruto an idiot about 1000 times, this is pure crack but i didnt mean it to be at first lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-13
Updated: 2016-09-13
Packaged: 2018-08-14 18:55:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8025220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/danehemmings/pseuds/danehemmings
Summary: Sasuke doesn't understand why this blonde guy is so interested in him.OrSasuke wasn't sure whether to hit the idiot, or to laugh at him. “That's the worst plan I've heard in my entire life.”“I thought you were coming here to help me not bitch at me.”





	Sasuke and the Idiot

When Sasuke was eight, his life took a tragic turn. His parents died in a car accident, and the following week his older brother hung himself. Sasuke was put in some shabby orphanage until his eighteenth birthday, at which point he was thrown out into the streets. He'd had almost nothing but the clothes on his back. He lived in a homeless shelter for a few months, before stumbling into a bad part of the city late at night. 

Someone grabbed him, knocked him out, and dragged him to some old warehouse to do god-knows what to him, but they were stopped by one Madara Uchiha. Madara was Sasuke's uncle- thought to have died before Sasuke was born. Apparently, he'd been selling heroin and the like from the outskirts of Konaha the whole time. Sasuke had been lucky his captor had chosen one of Madara's hideouts. Madara chased the man off and then offered Sasuke a job. Sasuke had no where else to go, so he accepted.

And here he was, three years later, hounding down clients who owed Madara money, or, more often, stealing from Madara's competitors. The number one enemy of Madara was a man named Hashirama, who was trying to steal Madara's clients every chance he got. Sasuke personally thought there was more to the rivalry than Madara was letting on, but his uncle avoided the subject at all costs.

A few days ago, Madara had assigned him and some other twenty men to guard a shipment of assault rifles (Sasuke wasn't sure how things were escalating so quickly) coming in from Suna as it passed through Hashirama's territory. It would be a six six day trip- three days to travel to Suna to pick up the shipment, and three days to bring it back to Konaha. Sasuke was convinced that they would be stopped by the police, their group was so conspicuous, but Madara claimed to have everything under control. Even so, Sasuke chose to trail behind the group on his motorcycle, while the rest piled into a huge bus. 

The ride to Suna was without incident, even as they camped on the side of the rode instead of at a hotel during the night. They were camped after their first day on the ride back to Konaha, the assault rifles safely tucked into the bus's storage compartment. Sasuke wasn't particularly fond of the men Madara had chosen, and so he slept away from the rest, next to his motorcycle and a small patch of trees.

~~~

Sasuke awoke to the sound of a branch being snapped. He jerked upright and glanced around. His eyes narrowed as he spotted the source of the noise; some blonde kid clutching a knife. A knife.

This guy was an idiot. He was kidding himself if he seriously thought he could take on all twenty men with a single knife. Unless he was planning to grab the guns and run, which would be just as stupid, because Madara's men were all sleeping next to the bus's storage compartment, where the guns were sitting, unloaded. What kind of dumbass was Hashirama, to send one guy to hijack dozens of assault rifles? It was not the job of one blonde moron to fight twenty of Madara's trained men. 

The idiot moved from his spot behind a bush to hide behind a tree trunk, and directly beside a sleeping rattlesnake. Sasuke sighed in frustration. This kid apparently didn't want to give the men a chance to kill him; he wanted a common predator of the area to do it for them. The idiot had whipped his head around at the sound of his sigh, and he now spotted Sasuke from his perch in a tree (he wasn't about to sleep on the ground). He motioned for the idiot to lie still to avoid awakening the snake. The idiot clearly didn't understand and he glanced between Sasuke and Madara's men questioningly. He rolled his eyes, and made a somewhat vile gesture at them, hoping that the idiot would think that he wasn't their ally. He figured he could just scare the dumbass away himself; these men tended to be unnecessarily violent and messy. It worked, and the idiot grinned and nodded at him. He fought the urge to roll his eyes again. 

He signaled to the idiot to stay put, and quietly shimmied down the tree. He slowly and carefully approached , putting a finger to his lips so that the idiot would remain silent. The idiot furrowed his eyebrows at the gesture, but obeyed nonetheless. Sasuke motioned toward the bush the idiot had previously been hiding behind, and together they crept towards it. Once they were safely away from the rattlesnake, he immediately growled, “Are you a complete and total idiot?”

“Shh,” the idiot whispered, “I don't want those men to know I'm here. I'm trying to sneak attack them, isn't that what you were doing, too?”

Sasuke looked at him incredulously, “Are you insane? You have a one knife. They would kill you in half a second. And even if you were properly armed, there's twenty of them, and only one of you.”

“I have more than just one knife,” The idiot pulled another knife from his boot. “And they're sleeping. I'll get them all before they can even open their eyes.”

Sasuke wasn't sure whether to hit the idiot, or to laugh at him. “That's the worst plan I've heard in my entire life.”

“I thought you were coming here to help me not bitch at me.”

“Did I say I would help you? Go ahead, throw yourself headfirst into danger, I’m not going to save you again.”

This guy was too stupid to save from Madara's minions. He turned to leave, but the idiot grabbed his arm, “Again? What are you talking about?”

Sasuke narrowed his eyes at him, “The rattlesnake. Its poisonous. One wrong move, and it would all over for you– did you even realize what you were next to?”

The idiot shook his head, “Rattlesnake?”

Sasuke just stared at him, unable to believe someone could be this ignorant, “Nevermind. I'm leaving. If you manage to take down those men, come and kill me next, will you?”

The idiot frowned at him, “Okay?”

This moron wasn't going to listen to him. Sasuke shook his head in disapproval as he climbed back up his tree to go to sleep.

~~~

Sasuke wasn't suddenly awakened that night by any sort of fight, and so he assumed the blonde idiot had listened to his advice and ran off. He felt pleased at the thought, but also slightly disappointed. It would have been funny to watch the blonde attempt to win a battle win two knifes. Sasuke doubted the kid would've had it in him to actually kill a man. 

There were no other incidents the rest of the way back, and soon Sasuke was away from Madara's minions. They had been so aggravating during the trip, always shouting and honking at women who drove by. It had made them seem like a frat house, which Sasuke supposed was good cover. But it was nice to be in his room at Madara's mansion, alone and free of idiots, at least until his next assignment.

~~~

Sasuke had a few peaceful days, and then Madara starting bringing some guy to his room every night, and Sasuke found it very hard to sleep. He thought he heard Madara yell ''Hashirama!' more than once. Which would make a lot of sense, but then again it made no sense at all. Whoever Madara was with, they were very loud, and Sasuke had started to go on walks at night, to avoid scarring his eardrums.

Besides the crime filled streets on its outskirts, Konaha was a generally happy place. Its streets were always bustling and its citizens always smiling. Sasuke normally made a point to avoid straying too far from Madara's territory, because he doesn't like to be reminded of the times before his family died, but his nightly walks got boring if he went to the same places too often, and so on this night he headed towards the city's heart.

He walked around, peering inside closed shops, considering committing a crime or two (those shoes looked pretty awesome) . He was in a good mood, and would wave to the drunk couples that passed by. He was about to head back when he heard a voice calling for him.

“Hey! You! Uh – Rattlesnake guy!”

Sasuke turned, and suddenly the idiot from the Suna trip was two inches from his face. The blonde was wearing a ridiculously cheerful grin, and clasped Sasuke's shoulder as if they were longtime friends, “Hi! I wanted to thank you for saving me from those guys! You were right, it would've been really stupid to take them on all by myself.”

Sasuke glanced at the hand on his shoulder before shrugging it off, “Okay. Good for you. I don't see how that affects me.”

The idiot chuckled, unfazed by the other's hostile tone, “It affects you because you're the one who saved my life! I mean, don't I owe you a life-debt or something now? And besides, you don't just ignore the person that saved your life. I'm a lot of things, but rude isn't one of them, ya know?”

“Annoying is,” Sasuke muttered whilst discreetly backing away from the rambling idiot. 

Apparently not discreet enough, “Hey! Don't walk away from me while I'm talking to you! That's rude!”

This moron can't take a hint, he thought, annoyed. The guy was running his hands through his wild blonde locks in what could only have been frustration, and glaring at Sasuke like it was his fault they were having this ridiculous conversation.

“You know what's rude?” Sasuke asked, glaring right back at the blonde, “Talking to someone who clearly doesn't want to be bothered.”

“Jeez, you really are a downer,” The idiot scoffed, but then that infuriatingly happy smile was back on his face, and his mood switched from frustrated to fucking joyful just like that, “But that's alright. I guess I'll have to squeeze the pessimism right out of you!”

Sasuke's eye twitched. There was really something wrong with this kid. “No, thank you,” He said flatly, “I'm perfectly happy the way I am.”

The idiot fucking giggled at that, “You don't seem like it, you idiot. Happy people tend to smile way more often than you do. In fact, I don't think I've ever even seen you smile in all the time I've known you!”

“You don't know me. We're barely even acquaintances. We don't even know each other's names, dumbass.” Sasuke stomped angrily away, hoping that he wouldn't be followed.

His hopes were crushed. “Okay, we don't know each other. But I do think I'm pretty good at reading people, and as for my name-”

“Please shut up,” Sasuke said, exasperated. “I don't want to know your name, I don't care if you're good at 'reading people', I just want you to leave me alone, idiot.”

The blonde rolled his eyes at him, “Fine. I'll shut up but, you're the one that's an idiot.” 

Sasuke was about ready to rip his hair out. The stupid idiot followed him down the street, even as he began to head towards Madara's mansion. He attempted to ditch the guy around a corner several times, but he couldn't lose him.

Sasuke stopped so abruptly that the blonde walked straight into him, and consequently fell right on his ass. He was in the midst of scrambling to his feet when Sasuke turned to look at him.

“Quit following me.” He commanded, dark eyes flashing.

The idiot snorted, “No can do, Snake guy.”

“Quit following me,” He repeated.

“No.”

Sasuke frowned and headed towards the mansion again and the idiot followed, this time with a cheerful smile plastered on his idiotic face.

“I said stop.” 

“I said no.” That smile never wavered.

“...Stop.”

“I'm not going to, I owe you a life-debt, remember?”

Sasuke stopped again, and waved his arms dramatically. “You are now freed from your life-debt,” he said, dripping with sarcasm, “Go now to live a joyous life in which you fulfill all your wildest hopes and dreams.”

The idiot laughed at him, “Sorry, it just doesn't work like that. I've decided that in order to repay you, I’m going to free you from your depressing attitude!”

Fuck. He was really going to be stuck with this dunce forever. He had to think of a way to escape the horrors of being around someone so obnoxious. If only he could make it to Madara's territory, where criminals were around every corner. He could text Orochimaru to meet him along one of the streets, and give the blonde one of his creepy looks, complete with even a tongue flick. That would make the idiot so scared he'd have to run off.

Sasuke sighed and passed a hand over his face in mock defeat, “I suppose I can't get rid of you then,” He said.

The smile had never faded, but it seemed to grow wider as the blonde threw a fist in the air, “Alright! I knew you would cave in eventually! This is going to be awesome, ya know? We're going to become great pals, I could tell from the moment I met you!”

Internally, Sasuke gagged at the notion. Externally, he just rolled his eyes, “Let's keep going.”

The Idiot seemed to be bouncing with joy. Sasuke casually pulled out his phone and texted Orochimaru. The creepy man answered almost instantly, and very excitedly. He had a bit of a thing for Sasuke, which came in handy if he was bored, or if he had someone annoying to scare the fuck out of. All it took was a wink here and there, and Orochimaru stayed interested enough to do what Sasuke wanted.

The blonde tried to leaned in to read his texts, but Sasuke quickly slid his phone back into his pocket. He shook his head sadly, “I thought you said you weren't rude.”

“Huh?” The idiot laughed, “You're more rude by texting instead of talking to me!”

“Whatever,” He didn't need to be making conversation with this kid. They were nearing the street Orochimaru was on. Just another minute or so of this, and then Sasuke would be free. He'd never leave the outskirts of Konaha ever again.

“So,” The idiot persisted in doing the thing which annoyed Sasuke- speaking, “What were you doing, hanging in a tree by those thugs?”

“Sleeping.” He felt a rush of terror as the urge to return the question rose up. He shoved it down and maintained his annoyed face. It was his most often used expression.

“That's weird, ya know? People don't sleep in trees.”

Sasuke grunted. He though his father would be proud of his ability to stunt conversation.

“You can't just say nothing forever, Snake dude. I'll get you to talk sooner or later, you'll-”

Ah, silence. Had Orochimaru come a street early? Sasuke turned around to congratulate his creepy admirer, but all he saw was the idiot lying on the sidewalk. He took a step toward the fallen blonde, but a frying pan came flying at his head.

~~~

Sasuke had been kidnapped by Hashirama and his brother, Tobirama. Tobirama was a piece of work. He yelled at Sasuke, claiming that Sasuke had something to do with Hashirama's 'corruption', whatever that meant. Hashirama seemed to have some sort of plan, but the moment Tobirama said 'corruption', his lip wavered and then he went to sulk in a corner. Sasuke was locked away in the top of a fucking tower as if he was Rapunzel. Sadly, his hair wasn't long enough to use as a rope to climb out. Tobirama stopped in once to tell him that he would be free when Madara turned over his clients, but then he was left alone for two straight days. The only thing he had to survive on were pudding cups and bottled water. It was the worst experience in Sasuke's life. It was like being homeless all over again, with no access to a shower or a comb. He stuck his head out of the tower window once or twice, but the sides were smooth, and so there was no way he could climb his way down. He'd tried to door, too, but it wouldn't budge. Sasuke had no hope that Madara would help him, and so he did as Hashirama did, and sulked in a corner. He supposed this would be the end of him. Locked away in a tower. Not the way he had thought he would go.

His thoughts were interrupted by a familiar voice.

“Finally!”

Sasuke's head jerked upwards to see the idiot, smiling as always, with his head stuck through the window. As their eyes met, a look of panic flashed briefly across the idiot's face. He pulled away from the window and vanished from Sasuke's sight. He felt the irritation that seemed to accompany the blonde's presence begin. His rescuer had come and gone without actually doing any rescuing. 

The idiot leaned through the window again, this time silent, and motioned for Sasuke to come closer. He did as the blonde wanted, and saw that the idiot had somehow climbed up on a rope. Had the rope always been there? He started climbing down, and Sasuke followed. As soon as their feet touched the ground, he was pulled into a completely unwanted hug.

“I almost blew my cover for a second, yelling like that,” The idiot whispered as he pulled away. “That would have really sucked.”

“Not really,” Sasuke lied, “I could have escaped without you.”

The idiot didn't respond, and lead Sasuke down some alleyway. He was surprised no one was around guarding the tower. He didn't recognize where the hell he was, but his rescuer seemed to know exactly where to go. After awhile, they passed though a gate, and Sasuke looked back to read the sign above it: Tanzaku Town. That was far from Konaha. Sasuke gave the idiot a glare, deciding that it must be his fault this happened. 

They veered off the road, and walked in a trail leading into a forest. When the town was completely obscured from view, the idiot sighed and glanced at Sasuke.

“What?” Sasuke said gruffly.

“Nothing,” The idiot frowned when Sasuke raised an eyebrow. “I mean, its just that- you can be so dense, ya know?”

“Are you serious?” He glared. “That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.”

“Uh- huh,” The idiot smiled fondly at him, “Do you even know why I rescued you?”

“I didn't need you're help.” Sasuke said firmly. How can this guy smile fondly at him when they barely know each other?

“That's not what I asked-”

“Okay, then let me be more clear,” He huffed. “I don't want your help.” 

The idiot kept smiling, “Uh-huh.”

“I think I can find my way back to Konaha on my own,” Sasuke prayed the blonde would believe him and then leave him alone forever.

The idiot blinked, “But I saved you from getting your head chopped off!”

“Shit happens. And my head wasn't going to be chopped off.”

“You don't care at all? I just-” The idiot pulled at his blonde locks, the smile finally leaving his face, “I risked my own life to free you, and you still are going to be an asshole?”

Sasuke felt guilt surface, but he pushed it down angrily. He had no reason to feel guilty that the moron decided to risk his neck for a stranger. “It doesn't do shit. It was your stupid decision, I had nothing to do with it.”

“You had everything to do with it,” The idiot tried to meet his eyes, but Sasuke moved his glare towards the ground. “I like you. I can't just let you die, ya know?”

He snorts, “Yeah, because we are such good friends.”

The idiot stared disbelievingly. “You are so dense.”

“I dunno, I thought the human body could float.”

“I think you're hot, Sasuke Uchiha,” The idiot was grinning evilly. 

Sasuke threw all his power into a deathly glare, “What did you say?”

“Those dudes were talking about you as they drove out here,” The blonde smirked, “I know all about you and your evil uncle.”

He tried to intensify his glare even more, but he nearly farted, so he ran a hand over his face instead, “I'll have to kill you now,” He was bluffing, of course, but maybe Madara's reputation would help him in this moment. He was starting to wonder just who this idiot was. Did he work for Hashirama or not? 

“You can't kill me, because I'm the son of Konaha's mayor, and he knows exactly where I am and who I'm with right now.”

Sasuke's mouth dropped open, “You're Naruto Uzumaki? No fucking way.”

“Yes, way,” Naruto gloated, “I bet you didn't see that one coming, huh?”

Sasuke didn't but, dammit, he should have. Naruto looked exactly like his father, except with better hair. Much better hair. He resurrected his glare, and asked, “Then what the fuck were you doing near Suna? And how did you escape Hashirama's?”

“I was doing some good ol' spying on Madara's movements for my pa, and Hashirama works for my pa, so obviously he let me go,” Fucking Naruto Uzumaki and his fucking smiles. They lit up his whole fucking face and its -fuck.  
“Hashirama works for Minato, selling drugs?”

“Uh, no. He pretends to sell drugs to lure evil drug-lords like Madara out of hiding. I can't believe how stupid you are, Sasuke.”  
Goddamn. He was totally going to jail. “Naruto?” He gave the blonde one of the looks he saved for Orochimaru.

“Yeah?”

“We're like, friends, right?” He winced, but tried to over it up with a smile, which made him cringe, and so he just looked up towards the heavens and mentally asked god why he was so hated. 

Naruto paused to give Sasuke a 'what the fuck' look, then patted him on the back, “Don't worry, you're in the clear! My dad's a softie, and I told him I like you, so everything's cool.”

“Oh,” Sasuke was relieved, “Life debt repaid, then.”

Naruto nodded, and they continued to walk in silence for a bit. The trees started to thin, and Sasuke wondered if they were going to be picked up by a policeman or something. He must have been so stupid to not realize who Naruto was. 

A thought strikes him,”There's something else-”

“Why Hashirama didn't release you? That's because of Tobirama. He really hates Madara, I dunno why.” Naruto shrugged, “Maybe he used to have a drug problem..”

“Its probably because Madara is fucking Hashirama,” Sasuke let the disgust show on his face for a moment, and Naruto's face mimicked his expression. Sasuke felt a real connected to the idiot, for those few seconds. 

“Anyways,” He said, “That's not what I was going to ask you about. You said earlier, that you think I'm hot?”

Naruto, who had seemed so confident when he first brought it up, went red, “Uh.” 

“Yes, the answer of a genius,” Sasuke realized he was the one smiling fondly. He corrected the situation with a frown quickly, before his Uchiha ancestors could turn in their graves.

“I do think you're hot!” Naruto took a deep breath, “And I would like to go on a date with you, once we get to Konoha.”

“Ah,” Sasuke said thoughtfully, “But you annoy me.”

Anger flashed in Naruto's eyes, “You brought it up! Asshole.” 

The trail ended, opening up to a road, just as Sasuke thought. Naruto stopped, so he guessed someone was on their way to get them. The blonde was sulking. It was quite entertaining.

“Stop sulking, Naruto, its rude,” Sasuke admonished. He smirked.

“I don't understand you,” Naruto crossed his arms.

“I'm starving. Want to take me to dinner when we get back?” 

“The fuck?” Naruto was confused, “I thought you just turned me down!”  
“I just said that you annoy me, that doesn't mean no, idiot,” Sasuke spoke matter-of-factly, while Naruto stared in disbelief.

“So, you want to go to dinner with me?” The blonde asked.

“Yeah, I guess,” Sasuke lifted a hand to inspect his fingernails, “So, is someone coming to pick us up, or?”

“I guess,” Naruto repeats glumly.

“Listen, you need to stop getting offended by everything I say, Naruto. Its just the Uchiha way.”

“I liked things better when I was the only one doing the talking.” 

Sasuke reached out and pulled Naruto towards him. “I like it when no one talks,” He leaned in to kiss the blonde, because god damn, maybe the idiot wasn't so bad after all.

When they pulled apart to catch their breath, Naruto grinned, and whispered, “You're smiling, Sasuke.”

Sasuke nearly died on the spot, and his ancestors certainly died all over again, but Naruto was laughing so hard that Sasuke let the smile stay.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't exactly know what happened here but there is a possibility I may delve back into this realm at some point in the future.


End file.
